I wanted to share something deeply personal about my sweet son, who went to be with Jesus last Friday night. Just the day before, he wrote me a heartfelt letter where he opened up about his struggles with addiction. I feel compelled to share this letter in hopes that it can help others out there. Addiction carries a heavy stigma, and it’s important to know that it doesn’t discriminate. Many people battling addiction despise the pain it brings to themselves and their loved ones. While trying drugs might start as a choice, it can quickly spiral into a struggle that feels impossible to escape. My hope is that by sharing this, families and friends of those dealing with addiction will approach them with love and compassion. I’m so grateful Matheson knew he was surrounded by love and support. I did everything I could to help him, but in the end, I had to surrender him to God and trust in His plan for Matheson’s life. I truly believe he has found peace now. He even had John 14:6 tattooed on his side because he loved the Lord.
Here’s the letter he wrote:
“Mom,
First off, I want to say I’m really sorry. I know those words might not mean much right now, but I promise with all my heart that I truly regret my choices and wish things were different. I have a disease, a mental illness. It’s not an excuse, and I don’t want it to be, but my brain just doesn’t function normally when I’m caught in the grip of addiction. I was feeling good mentally and spiritually, but once I gave in to that intense rush, I was lost. I didn’t want to get high again because of the shame, but when temptation struck again, I was too vulnerable and weak. The things I’ve done and ruined make me want to scream and cry because it feels so out of control, and I wish I could change everything.
In the grip of addiction, I can’t stop on my own, no matter how hard I try. The rush brings me a false sense of peace amidst my shame, even though I know it only makes things worse. I can’t stand to think about how I’ve lied to you and made you feel foolish. Just know that hurting you pushed me to make the difficult decision to seek rehab to regain my life.
I feel miserable thinking about how my actions affect you, and I hope you believe me when I say I’m truly sorry and love you so much! I’m in a tough spot right now, and I know the only way out is to put myself in a place where drugs aren’t accessible for a while. Whether it’s jail or a rehab facility, I know rehab is the better option. It’s a positive environment focused on healing, and I just need some time to remember how much better life is without chasing that high.
My relationship with God is real. I believe wholeheartedly in His goodness and love for me. But the high I chase is so powerful and deceptive, consuming my thoughts and emotions, leading to more shame that only fuels the fire.
I don’t want this to be my life; I truly believe that. I know what my life looks like when I’m not addicted. It’s frustrating that I gave in this time, especially after being clean for so long. Life’s stresses got to me, and I didn’t think one time would lead to this chaos. From this experience, I hope to take away a clearer understanding that there’s no such thing as “one time” or moderation for me. When I’m chasing the high, it takes over my thoughts, leaving no space for anything else.
I don’t like what I’m doing; I hate it both during and after. It feels like I’m trapped, unable to stop chasing that high. Once the high is back in my life, everything else seems depressing and impossible to face. I hope you can see the truth in what I’m saying because the lies I tell and the hurt I cause are not who I really am. When I’m not in addiction, I couldn’t imagine deceiving you like this. Drugs have led me to do things that make it hard to look at myself sometimes, and right now, I can’t bear to face the person I’ve been these past few days.”
Credit to the rightful author ~